The Sins Of My Tragedy
by iheartteensoaps
Summary: It wasn't how she pictured her life going, but it happened anyways. The aftermath of her actions left a broken family. In life she made mistakes. In death she would do her best to right her wrongs. drabble one-shot Lori-centric


So this is more of a drabble. I was never a huge fan of Lori's. I always thought she could've been more supportive of Rick, but she was human and I got this idea by thinking along those lines. I wanted to write something from her perspective to kind of see where her head may have been during all craziness. Hopefully that translates. Reviews and constructive criticism are welcomed and enjoy!

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I was a fool. I know that now. I never could've predicted what would happen to my family throughout the demise of the civilized world. If I think back on it, I cringe with guilt and embarrassment. I lost my husband, twice. I lost my son and got him back at the very end. I put my husband in an impossible predicament. I never meant to. It wasn't my intention, but I did it all the same. In the beginning, my husband was dead. I was grieving and although it didn't look like it, I missed Rick with everything inside of me. As tragic as it is to say now in light of everything that's happened, Shane was just simply something to keep me occupied. He was an escape to keep me from going crazy and remembering that my husband was dead in a hospital bed somewhere. Shane was comfort. He was a connection to my husband and our life in King County. He was the strength that I couldn't be at times. He let me break down in front of him when he knew I couldn't do it in front of Carl. He helped ease the ache, but he didn't erase it.

And then the unthinkable happened. My husband came back from the dead. Rick walked right up to camp as if he hadn't been shot and in a coma days before. I was shocked. I was speechless. How could this be? I was flooded with relief and happiness and then looking at Shane I felt the guilt and betrayal. I was now an adulterer. It was true that my husband had only been gone for a short while, but that didn't mean I loved him any less. I just tried to accept what I thought to be true: That my husband was never coming back.

Having Rick in my arms again and in my bed felt beyond amazing. I felt like I was truly witnessing a miracle as I watched my husband tuck in our son. I was blissfully happy to have my family back, and yet I could feel the internal workings of guilt thread into my mind. I argued with myself so many times. An inner battle raged inside of me about what to do. Should I tell Rick? Should I keep it from him? Would it matter? I had nearly convinced myself to not say anything, but Shane couldn't do what I so willingly could. He couldn't forget. He couldn't file what happened between us as a mistake. He couldn't accept that if Rick were with us from the beginning there would be no Shane and I. He thought we were always meant to be. He was wrong…so very wrong. But he was a man who'd lost everything and then found something in the apocalypse. He found a family. A family that needed him. Rick was back and that didn't matter anymore. I cared for Shane. I always would. He saved mine and my son's lives. I would forever be grateful, but my heart always had and always would be with my husband.

Rick and I had our problems. Of course we did. We were a married couple who'd been together for over twelve years. We had a son and he had a demanding job. It wasn't so happy towards the end before he got shot. We fought quite a bit. I said things out of anger. He wouldn't say anything at all. It was a frustrating circle and I knew where we were headed. The day Rick was shot felt like the rug was pulled out from underneath me. I was in disbelief. There was no way my husband was shot and now in a coma. His job was dangerous, but he always came back safe. He always came back. It was a bucket of ice cold water over my head when I got the news and I realized how much I needed Rick in my life. I realized how much Carl and I both needed him.

My pregnancy was the cherry on top of my shitty decisions since the world had gone to hell. I was so confused. I didn't want this baby for multiple reasons. The main reason being that this world was no place for a baby. Its life and everyone else's would be at risk every time it cried out. It would grow up in this world. This world that had no morals, justice, or values. It was kill or be killed. I'd be raising a killing machine. The other reason for my doubts about having this baby was obviously about my husband and his best friend slash my ex-lover. There was no way to know whose baby this was and I hated that it made me seem like a whore. I knew without a doubt that whatever the biology of the baby that it would be Rick's child, but there would always be that question. I had talked myself into not going through with having the baby. I had made the decision to at least try to abort the pregnancy, but at the last moment I changed my mind. I saw that baby in my mind and I couldn't do it. As hard as it would be to raise a newborn and keep it alive, I at least had to give it a chance. I had to try. I owed this baby that much. Rick wanted the baby. He wanted to try. He still saw the good in the world. He still saw the hope. I didn't agree with him so much on that, but for him I was willing to try. He'd surprised me yet again by telling me he knew about Shane and I. It was obvious and it made my stomach lurch that he'd picked up on it so quickly. Everyone had apparently. He understood and that made me hate myself even more. He knew I thought he was dead. He knew I just wanted someone, anyone to lean on. That someone just happened to be his best friend who could very well be the father of my baby. Rick knew that too. He had to. And yet he didn't dwell on it. He accepted what was and looked to what could be.

I never meant to start a war between two brothers. I never meant to be the damsel that was caught between two men. I didn't want to be, but Shane was steadily losing his mind. He was trying to convince me we were meant to be. He was delusional and desperate to hold onto something that was never his. I tried. I tried to make him see. I tried to explain it to him, but he was too far gone. I could've let him leave like he wanted to. I could've let him walk off that farm, but I knew what he wanted to hear and I knew I was probably the only one that could get him to stay. As much as I didn't want to be with Shane, I also didn't want him to leave. I didn't want Rick to lose his friend or Carl to lose a man that'd been like an uncle to him. I didn't want to lose him either so I said what he wanted to hear. I told him to stay and it was the most detrimental of my mistakes.

Shane continually tried to lay claim to me, Carl, and the baby. I finally confessed to Rick. I didn't know what to do. I felt like Shane was becoming increasingly dangerous and on most occasions he would scare me. I didn't want to lead him on. I wanted him to know where I stood and that was beside my husband. He didn't want to see it. I could sense the tension between Rick and Shane. They were dueling for leadership and I knew deep down I was the root of all the issues. When Rick told me about what he had to do to Shane I was stunned. I almost thought I heard him wrong, but he said Shane had threatened him and he'd killed him. I was angry, confused, hurt. Rick sold me on the hope that still lay around us and yet he shattered it all with killing his best friend. I pushed him away. I physically pushed him away from me and I walked away from what I couldn't see then: A broken man reaching out for help.

My pregnancy was beyond difficult. We were constantly running and moving. I was tired and hungry. I felt fatigued all the time. It was winter and the weather was brutally cold, along with what was left of my marriage. I thought about everything Rick had said to me and it took me nearly a week afterwards to understand where he was coming from and reach out to him. It was his turn to push me away. He didn't want to hear anything I had to say. I tried to explain to him. I tried to tell him I understood now and I could see he had no choice, but he refused. He said it was too little too late and he was right. Rick wasn't the same and he made that perfectly clear. He was feeling the hurt and betrayal by me and my actions for the first time. He was letting me know that even though he said it was alright, it wasn't. I cried. I cried so much for everything I'd done. I lost my son too. He was a boy who no longer needed his mother to chase away the monsters. He was right beside his dad doing the fighting. Carl was cold now and I cried for his lost innocence. The only thing I could cherish was my baby. The baby would know nothing of what I did or how imperfect I was. They would only see a mother. They would see a provider and I longed for that feeling of being needed again. I felt that feeling for a fleeting instant when Rick reached out to me after Hershel's near death experience. It was the first time he'd touched me in months and it was the first rays of hope I had for our marriage. It meant so much to me. It was a simple gesture, but it held so much power. It was a step in the right direction and I clung to it.

I died before I was ready. I died without fixing what was so broken. The two things that helped me go peacefully were my son and the life of my baby girl. My two children would get to live and even if it was a scary and dangerous life, they would be together. They would have each other and nothing could take that away. I was thankful that I got to say goodbye to my son. I was thankful that I never even got to say hello to my baby girl because then I would never have left. It would've been too hard. I was thankful Rick wasn't there to witness what happened to me. Our love didn't deserve to hurriedly have a band-aid slapped on while I lie on the floor of a boiler room bleeding out. I knew Rick would be upset at my death, but watching him turn into what he did crushed me. I never expected him to spiral into darkness like that. I felt no pain where I was, but I knew if I could I would fall to my knees at watching the man I love struggle like he did. I knew he thought he saw me. He never did. I watched from afar. Rick conjured me up in his mind. It was his way of grieving and even though I wasn't really there, I heard everything.

Our love was imperfect. I was imperfect before the end of the world and after. I was an imperfect mother and wife. I made mistakes that set in motion events that altered my whole family. I still feel guilt, but the heaviness of it gets lighter every day. What I feel above everything now is love. I feel love at watching my son and husband interact. I feel love at watching my daughter being cared for by her new family. I feel love at seeing my husband let go of the burdens he placed on his weary shoulders. I will always be with my family, but they will move on and the pain of loss will be less prominent. Rick will hurt for a long time, but he will find someone else. Judith will never know me, but think of me as a dream as others raise her to be a beautiful woman. Carl will grow up and make mistakes, but he knows I will be with him as he becomes a man. I will be with all of them. I will do what I couldn't do for them in life. I will protect them. I will always protect my loves.


End file.
